I used to be a no-cell-phone guy, but about 2 1/2 years ago I caved and got a cell phone with service from AT&T. What I didn't know was that the phone number was deeply lodged in the databases of some offshore pharmaceutical-pushing call center. Some previous owner, who we shall call "M. Vacchio" had apparently ordered quantities of Valium from these people. I began to immediately receive phone calls, sometimes multiple calls per day with operators asking for "M. Vacchio" and asking if I needed a refill on my Diazepam prescription. If I explained that I was not, indeed, M. Vacchio I was asked if I wanted to fill any prescriptions at discount rates. Occasionally I got the telephone operators to promise that I would be removed from their database, but to no avail. Day in and day out they call.

My first telephone conversation with AT&T about the state of my phone went pretty well. The operator seemed interested that was getting offshore calls from numbers with faked US caller id numbers. He said that it was a crime and asked for details. He didn't make any promises but somehow I felt better after the call, as if AT&T was going to do something about it. Nothing changed. I added my number to the Federal Do Not Call list, and nothing changed.

My second phone conversation with AT&T was less heartening. The operator suggested that I consider getting a new number. My phone number is just too important, being my primary phone contact, inscribed on my resumes and spread among my friends, work associates, and others. I couldn't give it up. It is too far spread around. Besides, the moment I change numbers some other poor schlub will have to field phone calls for the mysterious "M". The operator insisted that AT&T was unable to block specific incoming phone call numbers stating that it was technologically impossible with the way the cell phone system is set up. I believed him even though it is not true.

The next time I called AT&T, the operator suggested that I get an addition to my plan, one that parents get for their children. It allows them to do things like limit the hours that the phone works, limit minutes used, and block incoming phone calls from specific phone numbers. Yeah, they could do it, but only recently figured out a way to monetize it. I hate AT&T. I hate them for the fact that they are lying bastards. They could care less that I pay over $50 a month for a cell phone that incessantly receives calls from phone spammers. There is no service that people pay as much for as cell phone service and willingly put up with such awful service. Cell networks go down, service is spotty, customer service is a joke, and we gladly dish out $50, $75, $100 or more a month to be mistreated by cell providers.

So, since my initial two-year contract with AT&T is over and I'm essentially a free agent, I should move to another provider, right? Well, not so fast, other providers suck, too! Also, Apple has a really amazing phone that does things like browse the internet in a useful way, integrate GPS with Google maps, play music, videos, videogames, and other random applications. It's really awesome, but it requires an AT&T service. Not only that, but for the "unlimited data" plan (basically, internet access, without which the device is mostly useless) I have to pay an extra $30 a month.

The other day we walked into an AT&T store which was strangely empty except for a single sales rep. I asked him, "Do you have iPhones?" He looked slightly dejected and replied, "No, you can get those at the Apple Store downstairs." Down in the Apple store, it was bumping. The walls were lined with iPhones and the place was crowded, the 6 or 7 customer service reps were all busy with customers. I spoke to the one behind the counter, she said that phone sales had to go through one of the reps with the "pads." There were several, all working with other customers. I was directed to talk to the ringleader of the pad carriers. I told her, "I want to buy an iPhone." She told me that there were five people already waiting to talk to the sales reps, and it would be maybe a 20 or 30 minute wait. We left but that's mostly because we had movie tickets to see (500) Days of Summer. Yes, the parentheses are part of the name of the movie. Good film.