My life without God
Posted by postfuturist on 2009-12-10 02:40:38

This is awkward.

Most of my family and friends consider me to be a devout Christian. Mostly they believe this because that's what I've been until relatively recently. I have a few things to get off my chest about this and to set the record straight.

I was raised in a very devout and loving Christian home. These are the types of homes that create strong Christians. I was one of those for a very long time. In college I got involved in a very intense church and college group. I felt a strong ownership of my faith and my involvement in the church. I believed the Bible deeply, especially everything about Jesus. I very much believed the core Gospel message and considered myself to have a personal relationship with Jesus. I prayed a lot. I read the Bible a lot. I attended many meetings, and worshiped, and spoke in tongues and everything. I did it all, and did it all wholeheartedly--for years.

Let nobody say that I didn't have a real experience of Christianity--that I thought I was a Christian but wasn't. I was the real-deal, if such a thing can exist. I had spiritual epiphanies and experiences. I often confessed my sins and shortcomings to God and other believers. I truly felt remorse over sin and asked God for forgiveness on many occasions. I had little fear of death as I was utterly convinced of a very pleasant after-life. I had faith.

All I ever got in return for my faith was warm fuzzy feelings and friendships with other Christians. I believed that God healed me when I was sick in the hospital but the fact is that my internal bleed was detected, and that surgeons took care of the physical reason for the internal bleeding. I just ascribed my good fortune to God. I never had anything happen that qualified as a miracle. All I ever had was faith. Other things happened that I prayed about that seemed to have no divine intervention. God did not seem to solve things that I prayed about. Financial problems, health problems, relational problems, and other calamities just continued for me at the pace that, I believe, most people experience them. God did nothing in response to prayer.

I gave God a lot. I gave him many, many hours of my time. I gave him a lot of money. Ten percent of my gross income turned into over half my disposable income when it came to tithing. I seriously paid a lot of money. I even tithed when I was in massive debt. I was tithing to a God that I thought was the kind of God who spoke to people and healed people and responded. However, everything that I had taken as responses from God were easily explainable from a materialist perspective. The Bible shows God talking directly to people. Somehow this never happened with me. All I had were vague impressions and feelings or coincidences that I ascribed to God.

It took me a long time to realize that it is OK to give up on one-sided relationships. It is normal and healthy to stop communicating with those who never respond. Send a few emails to somebody without ever getting a response, and eventually you stop. I prayed to God tens of thousands of times. If God wants to communicate with me, the line is always open on my end. He just hasn't called. I've done plenty for God and given him plenty of chances to show himself as God, but he either doesn't exist, doesn't care, or doesn't want me to believe in him. Either way, it leaves me in the clear to safely ignore him.

Having spent the last three years not attending church or involving myself much in reading the Bible, praying, worshiping and the like, I can attest that it hasn't made much of a difference in my life. I do not feel that I have become a worse person. If anything, I have relaxed a bit. In the last three years I have become happier. I've left behind some unhealthy addictions. Instead of looking forward to an afterlife, I can focus on the present life. Instead of tithing, I support a child in the third world. Instead of feeling guilty for not shoving the gospel down other people's throats, I only feel some regret for the times in the now distant past when I did. I have not become unethical or amoral. I just care more for people and less for God.


Comment from David Fredrickson:
It sounds to me that in the last three years you've become a lot more like the God I know. Thing is, he's not much like church makes him out to be. In fact, I'm convinced he wouldn't attend "church" if he were here in the flesh. After being a senior pastor of a charismatic church for many years I finally woke up to the fact that church as we know it today misrepresents God. Much of what is taught is a mistranslation of scripture or not in the Bible at all. It tends to foster false motivations to perform for God such as guilt, shame and the desire to be accepted. It also fosters false expectations. I quit church about seven years ago. Since then I've learned to pray differently than I did before. I'm getting to know God as my Father who loves me for who I am, not for what I do or don't do. I don't ask him to perform for me, but to reveal himself to me...his thoughts, ways and feelings. He's answering those prayers, and yes, I've seen bona-fide miracles as well, but they're very infrequent and much less important to me. What I want more than anything is to love like he loves..with no strings attached. I'm learning that slowly and am also happier than I've ever been. You're caring for people. That's the bottom line of Christ's message. You're not sweating the less important things. He encouraged that too. Perhaps you should consider inviting God into your present situation with your new focus on life. I'm sure he won't come with bells and whistles. But you might find out he was there all the time.
Comment from Christie Goss:
I respect where you are with God and that you do not care to be a hypocrite. Thanks for calling our home loving and devout; your Dad and I tried to follow God because we believe He is who He says he is. My life with God began with a miracle or two and revelation. So, no matter how I feel, I can hearken back to that initial experience. Yes, some of the church raises false expectations, like God wants us all to prosper materially, for instance. I have been reading a book (one that's been on my shelf for years and somehow made the cut during my many moves) that states the blessing of obedience in the OT was prosperity; the blessing to believers in the NT is adversity. Adversity? It develops our inner life and causes us to go deeper. Job said, "though he slay me, yet will I trust Him." This may not apply to you, but some believers have their eyes on people - church leaders, especially. When the leaders disappoint because of bad behavior these folks seem to lose their faith in God. Jesus died on a cross for our sins; nothing people do changes that. I've found most healing comes from either forgiving someone or repenting of one's own failings (sin). This seems to help clear the decks. We can muck up our relationship with God so we cannot perceive Him. He is clear: he said "I will never leave you nor forsake you." The problem is on our side. But even if we walk a sterling walk, clear and holy as we can, we sometimes do not sense that God is near. Many great saints have written of this experience of dryness or silence on God's part. But we walk by faith, not by sight. "Let God be true and every man a liar" the scripture says. I know God loves you Stephen, and I appreciate your honesty about your doubts; God is not intimidated by them.
Comment from Laura:
James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

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Copyright 2009, 2010 by Stephen A. Goss
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